I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
