So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
