Someone shit on the floor
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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