you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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