oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Is it because I queefed?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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