I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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