Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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