and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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