I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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