shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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