So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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