I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
