I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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