so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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