So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
