I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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