Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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