so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just found puke in my bra..
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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