girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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