I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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