Your mouth is God's brothel.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
