you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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