I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
