haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
