The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
