Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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