U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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