Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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