Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
someone owes me an orgasm
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
