Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
