Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
