That's when you crack a 10am beer
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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