Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
