I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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