He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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