i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
