i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
