Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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