Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
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i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
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I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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