i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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