I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
