We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
