drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
