dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
