I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My liver just had a heart attack.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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