nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
