drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
