Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
