My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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