i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
