I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
