Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
