see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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