i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
