I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
how drunk are you?
Several
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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