Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
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